There are times when I wish people who know me practiced what I believe to be one of the simplest but most powerful principles: listen with the intent to understand, not the intent to reply.
Too often, when we share our experiences, people rush to argue, debate, or prove otherwise. Ironically, that very reaction only confirms the point. Instead of being present in the moment, they are preparing their counterpoint. Instead of listening, they are waiting to speak.
The truth is, people feel most valued not when they are advised or corrected, but when they are truly heard. When someone gives you their undivided attention, without interruption or premature solutions, they are giving you empathy, and empathy is what most of us are searching for.
I am convinced that our inability to practice this comes from the biases we build against each other. We often filter what we hear through past judgments and old narratives. That’s why when a person stumbles, that story spreads faster than any good they may have done. Bad news, mistakes, and hardships seem to travel with wings, while progress and growth are met with silence.
This reveals something uncomfortable about human nature: we are often more eager to share failure than to celebrate success. Selfless energy—energy that affirms, uplifts, and lets go of the past—can be rare. Yet it is precisely what we need.
We must learn to release the worst versions of people instead of holding them hostage to their lowest moments. Have you noticed it’s always a certain group of people who will bring up what someone did wrong, no matter how long ago? If the conversation were about that person’s goodness, the same people would say, “That was a long time ago, what have they done lately?” But when it comes to mistakes, the expiration date never seems to come.
This imbalance is what prevents growth—individually and collectively. If we want healthier relationships and stronger communities, we need to flip the script. Learn to listen with empathy. Learn to let go of old mistakes. Learn to celebrate growth with the same energy we spread bad news.
Because in the end, people don’t need you to prove them wrong or rush to fix them. They need to be heard, to be valued, and to be understood.
