I was sitting on the porch this morning with my coffee, thinking about a moment from class that’s been sitting with me all week. And I wanted to write this down while it was still fresh, man, if I’m being real with you, because I think somebody needs it.
The Question That Stops the Room
Here’s what happened. I asked a room full of sharp, capable young people one question: “What do you value?”
Silence.
Not because they don’t have values. Every single one of them does. But watch what happens next, because this is the part that matters. After the silence, the answers start coming, and they all sound the same. Loyalty. Family. Money. Respect. Good answers on the surface. But when I ask the follow-up, “Okay, tell me about a decision you made this month because of that value,” the room goes quiet again.
That second silence is the real one. And I want to talk about why it’s there.
Values Aren’t Taught. They’re Absorbed.
The reality is, most young people were never asked this question. Not once. School asked them what they want to be. Family asked them what they’re going to do. The algorithm tells them what to want before they’ve had a chance to wonder. So by the time somebody finally asks what they value, they reach for whatever’s closest. The words their household used. The words their favorite artist used. The words that sound strong in a room full of peers.
Those are borrowed values. And borrowed values are like a borrowed suit. It might look right from a distance, but it wasn’t cut for you, and you can feel it every time you move.
I’ll be honest with you. At 24, if you had asked me my values, I would have said “loyalty” without blinking. Not because I had examined my life and found loyalty at the center of it. Because it sounded like something a strong man says. It took me years to realize I was answering with an image instead of an answer. It happens, man. No shame in it. But you can’t build direction on an image.
Your Values Leave Receipts
So how does a young person find the real answer? Let me get into this, because this is the teaching part.
You don’t find your values by brainstorming words. You find them by looking at evidence. Your values leave receipts. I’m gonna say that again because I know somebody heard it but you missed it. Your values leave receipts.
Look at three places. First, your time. Not how you wish you spent it. How you actually spent it this week. Whatever kept showing up, you value it, whether you’re proud of that or not. Second, your anger. The things that make you genuinely upset are usually a value getting stepped on. If disrespect toward your mother sets you off, that’s not a temper problem. That’s a value announcing itself. Third, your pride. Think about the last moment you felt proud of yourself when nobody was watching. Something you value was being honored in that moment.
Time. Anger. Pride. Three receipts. Read them honestly and your values stop being vocabulary words and start being facts about you.
Why We Put Values After Self-Awareness
In our 6 Circles to Purpose leadership training, values are not the first circle. That’s intentional. Self-awareness comes first, because you cannot name what you have never observed. We ask young people to watch themselves for a while before we ever ask them to define themselves. When we finally sit down to do values work, they’re not guessing anymore. They’re reporting what they saw.
And here’s what I’ve watched happen, over and over. When a young person names a value from evidence instead of imitation, something in their posture changes. Decisions get simpler. Not easier. Simpler. Because now there’s something to measure against. That friend group, that opportunity, that shortcut, they can hold each one up against something real and ask, does this fit?
That’s the beginning of leadership. Not a title. A standard.
For the Mentors, Parents, and Educators
If you work with young people, hear me on this. Do not hand them your values and call it mentoring. I know the temptation. You’ve lived, you’ve learned, and you want to save them the tuition you paid. But a value that gets handed down without being examined is just another borrowed suit.
Ask better questions instead. “What did you do this week that you’d do again?” “What made you angry, for real?” “When’s the last time you were proud of yourself in private?” Then be quiet and let them work. Your job is to hold the flashlight, not to draw the map.
The Challenge
So here’s what I want you to do this week, and I challenge all of us, myself included. Collect your receipts. Track three moments: one where your time went somewhere meaningful, one where something made you genuinely angry, one where you felt quiet pride. Write them down. At the end of the week, look at all three and ask, what do these say I actually value?
Don’t rush the answer. The young people I work with who know their values didn’t find them in a day. They found them by paying attention. You have that same capacity right now.
Do not take time for granted. The sooner you know what you stand on, the sooner you can build on it.
Ready to go deeper? This is exactly the work we do inside 6 Circles to Purpose Leadership Training, our program for young people and emerging leaders ages 14–24. Explore the program or bring it to your school or organization.
JustINSPIRE Mentoring is a mentoring-based organization focused on helping youth, emerging leaders, and communities grow with clarity, confidence, discipline, purpose, and expression. Learn more at justinspirementoring.online
