Ask a teenager what they believe in.
Most of the time, you’ll get a pause. A shrug. Maybe something like, “I don’t know, being a good person?”
And here’s the thing — that’s not a character flaw. That’s a gap. A real one. And if we want to do serious work with young people, we have to understand where that gap comes from before we can help them close it.
Nobody Actually Asked Them
Man, if I’m being real with you, most young people can tell you what their parents value. They can tell you what their school rewards. They can tell you what their social media feed tells them to care about. But naming what they actually stand for, on their own terms? That’s a different conversation. One that a lot of them have never had.
That’s not their fault.
We tell young people what to do. We give them rules, schedules, report cards, dress codes. We grade them on everything except the question that matters most: who are you, and what do you stand for?
So when a 17-year-old can’t answer that question, I don’t see failure. I see someone who was never given the tools to find out.
Values Aren’t What You Say — They’re What You Do Under Pressure
Here’s where it gets real. Because even when young people can name a value, they often pick the word that sounds right. Respect. Loyalty. Honesty. Good words. But naming a value and actually living by it are two different things.
I’ve worked with young men who said they value loyalty and then bailed on their people the moment it cost them something. I’ve worked with young women who said they value honesty and then folded under social pressure because being honest meant standing alone.
The reality is, your values aren’t what you write on a list. They show up in how you act when you’re scared. How you respond when you’re behind. What you protect when nobody’s watching.
I’m gonna say that again because I know somebody heard it but missed it. Your values aren’t what you write on a list. They show up in what you protect when nobody’s watching.
That’s the definition worth sitting with.
Why This Is the Starting Point for Everything
In the 6 Circles to Purpose program, self-awareness is the first circle we work through. Not because it’s the easiest, but because none of the other work holds without it.
You can’t build a vision for your life if you don’t know what you stand for. You can’t make decisions with clarity if you haven’t named your core values. You can’t build community around who you are if you haven’t figured out who you actually are yet.
Purpose isn’t a destination you find one day. It’s built from the inside out. And values are the inside.
This is what we mean when we say the work starts with you. Not in a vague, self-help kind of way. In a very specific, practical sense. You need to know what you believe before any of the rest of the framework means anything.
What Actually Helps
So what do you do if you’re a young person staring at this question and coming up blank? Or if you’re a mentor sitting across from someone who keeps dodging it?
Stop asking “what do you value” and start asking better questions.
Ask: “What made you angry this week?” Ask: “When did you feel most like yourself?” Ask: “What’s the thing you’d protect no matter what?”
The answers to those questions point straight to values. Values live in the emotional response, not the intellectual one. You feel them before you name them. You know what I’m saying?
I’ve worked with young men who told me they didn’t know what they stood for, and then spent ten minutes telling me about a moment they stepped in for someone younger who was getting picked on. That’s a value. It was already there. It just hadn’t been named yet.
That’s the work — not installing values from the outside, but helping young people excavate what’s already in them.
The Mentor’s Role in This
If you’re a mentor or an educator reading this, here’s what I’d ask of you: don’t project.
It’s tempting to say “this is what you should value” or to steer a young person toward the values you hold most. I understand. You care about them. But if you do that, you’ve just added another voice telling them what to think instead of helping them find their own.
Your role in this conversation is to ask better questions and then get quiet. Let them wrestle with it. Let them sit in the uncertainty. The discomfort of not knowing isn’t the problem. It’s the beginning of the process.
Lean into that. Don’t rush through it to get to the answer. The answer will come. But only if you give it space.
A Challenge for Right Now
If you’re a young person reading this, I want you to try something this week. Think of one moment in your life when you were genuinely proud of something you did. Not something that got you praised. Something that made you feel like you.
Write it down. Then ask yourself: what did that moment show me about what I actually care about?
That’s your starting point. That’s where your first circle begins.
And if you want a real structure to keep building from there, that’s exactly what the 6 Circles to Purpose Leadership Training was built to provide. It’s not a lecture. It’s a process. One that starts with you, and builds outward from there.
Explore the 6 Circles to Purpose Leadership Training, or reach out to bring this program to your school, organization, or community at justinspirementoring.online.
JustINSPIRE Mentoring is a mentoring-based organization focused on helping youth, emerging leaders, and communities grow with clarity, confidence, discipline, purpose, and expression. Learn more at justinspirementoring.online.
